Something happened to a friend of mine, and I'd only just found out last Sunday.Apparently it had been going on for some time, and she'd only just decided to tell me. Her initial thought was that if she'd told me, that I would hate her, and what she had allowed to happen. I was angry at first when she told me, but I rationalised, and she is an innocent, trapped in her own Hell because she wanted something so much, she'd given up her innocence and her self-respect just to have it (read: Faust). And now, she is paying the price for it, just as I had, just as I am right now.
i still recall the taste of my tears,
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore.
Two days ago I was thinking about it again, and then came up with the subject title of this blog entry.
Diasymbolic Symmetry.
Diabolic symbolic symmetry - two perfect halves of good and evil. There can never be evil without good, and vice versa. I chose "diabolic" because of the context of the situation, how you initially see something good, but as time passes and as it turns out, the result is diabolical. My friend made a choice, because she wanted the good, she tolerated the bad. But she found out that what she had thought was good, really just turned out to be a bad egg.
Well at least she knows the truth now, and she can put a stop to it before it completely takes her over.
As for me, I am still in the dark, still left wondering, so many questions that cut into the heart of the matter, yet the answers are not clear. My hell is the darkness that covers me now, the questions that taunt me.
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now
this is slowly take me apart
grey would be the color if i had a heart
i just want something i can never have
in this place it seems like such a same
though it all looks different now, i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.
Someone asked me the other day why I was upset. I could not tell her why then, but I will say it now - my friend's personal hell has become a reflection of what I have become. The glaring truths that I chose to ignore out of sheer intense love, the pain I put myself through just to have what I can never have. To want something so badly, I would live in hell just to have it. To have given up my self-respect and pride for something that isn't worth it at all. That's what I was upset about.
My diasymbolic symmetry.
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